so last night, i posted in one of my usual e-trans haunts to ask a few questions. boy, was that problematic. every time i am put through a round of "do i pass" i get the same responses, even if i specifically ask that they be avoided. yes, i KNOW my glasses are round and therefore feminine. yes, i KNOW that my eyebrows are naturally thin. yes, i KNOW that my "sideburns" are not square. and in the past i have given valiant effort to changing these things: sept. '08 as opposed to today.

and you know what i've realized?

NONE OF IT HAS HELPED! nothing! not one iota of difference! I AM STILL REFERRED TO AS "THE LADY" AT WORK!

why? well, you tell me. when you look at a person, do you think to yourself, "oh, he's....wait. pointed sideburns, that's a chick. never mind." do you tell your friends, "i was checking out this guy in the frozen section, and then i saw his eyebrows. they were mad thin, and that's when i realized he was a girl!" no, you fucking don't. you hear a high voice, you see some tits, you notice a smooth throat and flippy hands and dropped shoulders and round hips. i've seen more square fucking lines in haircuts on some butch ass dykes out there and you know what? it didn't help me think she was a man. all the boxy frames in the world are not going to make me look like a boy. MY ACCESSORIES ARE NOT HELPING ME PASS.


my favorite (and by favorite i definitely mean least favorite) thing about transguys is that we're so goddamn concerned with other peoples' perceptions, whether we want to admit it or not. so we analyze everything biomales do to death. we mimic the most masculine person we can find, and convince ourselves that every single detail makes a difference. we try too hard.


it gives me a headache. stick a fork in me, i'm done.

so i'm being flamed. i didn't really think it would be long. insanejournal sprung from the demise of greatestjournal in....when? 2007? and when gj was my website of choice, there was a person named ildy who was a popular user. for a while, ildy went by "jackson" and lived as a transguy. and boy, was she flamed in communities identical to the one i'm being picked on in now. they were merciless. and they refused to acknowledge her as male. she identifies as female now, but i remember being completely appalled by the blatant transphobia and cruelty displayed. when i started living out as trans, i figured it would only be a matter of time before i became the new jackson. now as then, i find myself wondering how much of it is plain old transphobia and how much is just a person with a strong distaste for me trying to be as hurtful as possible. and it's not working, i'm sort of numb to stupidity at this point. but the lack of understanding when it comes to transgender issues leaves me legitimately floored. it almost makes me nervous, realizing just how few people have any comprehension of what my daily life entails. what mostly gets me is the way people DO NOT GET how critical pronouns can be. every "she" and "her" sets off a chorus of no no no No No NO NO NO NO in my head that can't always be stopped with a "sorry, i meant he!" it doesn't work like that. these people have never had other people's perceptions work completely against them. it's like exercising hard for three weeks, losing 5 pounds and then having your boyfriend say "baby, you've put on a little weight..." and i envy the people lucky enough to have never experienced that. the way people genuinely do not comprehend gender is something i just can't wrap my head around. i can't believe people don't get it. i don't understand how i never got it before. it needs to be a necessary study.

i'll have been transitioning for a year on may 5th. it feels like so much less. i feel like i haven't accomplished very much.

i decided to start fresh with a new blog. while i'm not ashamed to admit that i've learned a lot since i started transitioning (nearly a year ago, wow), some of my opinions are outright embarrassing and i'd rather not acknowledge what can't be called anything but ignorance.


today i signed up for transster.com to see what i'll be getting myself into, in terms of surgery. i know my chest isn't quite small (lol "quite small", i'm a goddamn C cup) enough to qualify for keyhole, so double incision with nipple grafts it is. the only thing i'm still snagging on is what happens after, with scarring and the like. even the incision scars aren't too terrible, but the dog ears. not down. they fucking disgust me. if i end up with those i will fucking die. i didn't really realize just how much surgery would be, but i know now that i have to start saving. apparently revisions are free with some surgeons, but i don't know about brownstein, who's my top choice right now. i wouldn't mind a cali trip for him. fischer's cheaper and closer, but i think he's overrated as hell.


i've been making some observations lately at work. for some reason, old navy seems to attract a lot of transguys and butch lesbians (i can only list both because i genuinely can't tell the difference at this point, unfortunately). and when i ring their purchases, i'm always polite, always friendly and talkative. but never, and i do mean NEVER have i had a positive experience with them. they don't make eye contact, they don't converse, hell. half the time they interrupt me midsentence. i can only assume it's because they think that being quiet and uninterested makes them appear more masculine. well, i hate to say, it doesn't help one bit. most of my biomale customers are chatty and jovial. i understand the misconception that if you don't put much of yourself out there, there's not as much for people to read into, but when you talk in a lower voice when you interrupt me, you still just look like a rude transgendered person, not an aloof guy trying to get his shopping over with. maybe you're just nervous and afraid of people's reactions to you. i get that. but it's only going to be worse if you're mean, you know?

i hate ending blogs. peep this baby armadillo instead.